Masculinity Digresses...

Within the past few weeks or so I've become aware of certain traits of today's modern man. When I say modern man I'm referring to you liberal thinking, GQ reading, J Crew poster boys of the world. These are often called metrosexuals. This is the dawn of their new age and all of us are innocent bystanders. Calling a man Metro has even become a compliment in our culture. Well dressed and well mannered, great for them, but there are horrific side effects to this lifestyle... feelings.

Yes, in the past two weeks I have seen more men crying over such trivial nonsense it's almost nauseating. I grew up in a family where we were told to share our feelings and try to comfort others. That's understandable in elementary school, but when I reached middle school and first saw my dad cry when my grandfather passed I understood. Crying is reserved for those times when you cannot control a situation. Crying however should not be used to solve problems. Since this I can count on one hand how many times I've cried.

I hate to say this but (judgment free zone!!!), women are criers by nature. I get it! But to see a man cry over some girl not calling back or not having the right size Steve Madden loafer at the store is unacceptable. Lay the bitch out and order your shit online you boat footed freaks. Call me insensitive, but seeing a man cry will kick my Fight versus Flight mode into high gear. I get panicky and my eyes start darting for the nearest exit.

So this is my message to pass along to all of the men in your life, "Feeling are like treasure, they are meant to be buried."

Bradley James

Worst Movie EVER...

I've started to fall into a routine in the past few weeks or so of going out on Mondays to have a few beers and do crossword puzzles. I know how unbelievable dull that is, but it's my time get away from my soap opera of a life. I'm not sure why I choose the paper I do, or why it must be Monday. Then I'm stuck drinking at the bar drinking and doing the Sunday Times crossword. I have no problem making fun of attractive people that have the mental capacity soap, but "Hey Pot...This is Kettle. Um, you're black!"

Needless to say I was searching for a distraction, as this weeks puzzle was a tad bit in the difficult side. I saw my friend Turtle at the end of the bar and grabbed a seat. I'm actually not sure of Turtle's real name to be perfectly honest. Either way we got started talking about movies, which obviously led to Oscar noms, blah, blah, I'm over it. Then I jokingly mention The Day After Tomorrow as one of my favorite bad movies ever. This led to the discussion of the worst movie ever created. Though I heard some good runners up I nailed the worst of the worst, which I also own. Anything that brings Jean Claude Van Damme and Kylie Minogue together is just asking for trouble. I give you Street Fighter the Movie.



Enjoy, and if you can find a worse one let me know.

Bradley James

An Homage: Chocolate Snatch...

I've given alot of credit to the people who have made me into the person I am. But right now I'd like to make an homage to the person who is turning me into the person I want to become.

Chocolate Snatch and I met about two years ago and has quickly filled the spot as my emergency contact friend. You know, the person you list under who to call if you are in a fire or car accident or emotional relationship crisis. We'd met in passing at work and one day after we'd both finished our shifts I offered to go out for drinks. We had a few midday beers but instead of going for the awkward interview/small talk route we opted for the nitty gritty subjects. At the time she was dating someone I can't say I thought to fondly of, which more than often seems the case. Then again who really is good enough for her. Within months we became the It couple, aside from the sex, at and around our area. When we were seen out and you happened to be there you were destined for a wild night. But that was never the real us, that only appeared after having a few glasses of wine at home and talking about our endeavors in love, life, and friendships.

I can't say that she just "got me," because in that sense she gets everyone. But most don't get her or appreciate it the way it should be. We are very similar in our thought process which transcends all parts of our lives. Logicality is our God, and from that we decide our own destiny's. With this mindset the Devil becomes our emotions, though Devil's advocate is a common role play in our relationship. She has been my saving grace in ways I will never understand, and I hope it is reciprocated.

CS you are an honest, beautiful, intelligent resource in my life, like water or booze. Thank you for changing me and my life, for knowing what's best for me even when I don't, and for helping my up when I fall down as well as I do. I think I can best describe you as a quote from the Yeah Yeah Yeah's - Maps, "They don't love you like I love you." Though unlike Mapquest you actually DO point me in the right direction.

Bradley James

PS. Know that this will likely be read in part as your toast at your wedding. So pick some good pointers. And Superman loves all the advice you give me, as well as loving you!

Bradley Has a Revelation...Part 1

Some people think life is hum drum and you fall into patterns. In relationships these are called rough times, and in jobs they are called slumps, but they are all the same. I have been blessed with the ability in my life to avoid this like all you avoid giving change to homeless people. I'm always looking for something new and exciting, which ironically leads me to having epiphanies as frequently as you change the channel. Sometimes these are good, and sometimes they are bad, but they are always a new perspective on life. I'm decided to make this a recurring theme in my life and now my blogging.

**

My revelation came to me on the way to on the way to our all day breakfast feast. Seriously what's better than poached eggs and waffles all day? But I'm getting ahead of myself. Superman has had serious health issues for a long time, issues that should have killed him were he not so young. Well on the way to breakfast he mentions how funny it is that I have myself on a diet. I explained it's for health reasons, not weight loss and my only reasoning was to outlast him. Call me insensitive, and my New Year's resolution of a verbal filter went out the window. Now our conversation had taken an unexpected and rather unfortunate turn. "I know I've had [health issues] and I know it's not the last I'll see of them. I may make it to 45 if what the doctors say is true, so I am going to eat, smoke, and drink whatever I want. I'll be happy and fat with you."

This is not only a very sentimental gesture on his part, but a new step for us. This is where my revelation came in. This is the first that our future was talked about in the long term, but also our immanent future. No matter what, in long term relationships one person lasts longer than the other, and as it seems the fate have it written that it is me. As a complete relationship phobe my first thought is to run at the first sight of my feelings getting hurt, but as someone who really cares for this guy I have never been more ready to settle down and enjoy every minute I can with him. I've never pictured myself as the marrying type. I always saw myself in a retirement home alone, drinking scotch, and hitting on all the cute male nurses. Now I'm seeing the same thing, but in a totally different way. A way where alone doesn't really mean alone, just left behind.

With this revelation, as with all revelaations, you can choose the positive or negitive light to read it in. As I almost always do I chose positive. Superman has an expiration date, but so do the rest of us. Tomorrow morning I'm going to do indoor rock climbing, then off to work, and maybe some quality time with a quality guy. If today was your expiration date (and you were Ketchup) would you think about how long you sat in the fridge, or would you say "Damn I was on alot of burgers?"

Bradley James

Freudian Slip of Sorts: Bradley puts foot in his mouth...

I may not have mentioned it, but today I had my remeet the family dinner. I was told chili was going to be served, so in preparation I went out and got a red and white wine to pair to the meal. I mentally prepped myself of all family appropriate subjects and even had Superman brief me on all the family happenings. By the time I showed up I knew everyone's middle name and blood type. I was set.

I arrived and let his mother and stepfather know what wines I chose, why they paired well, and a brief history of what vineyards they came from. They all seemed very impressed, even SM. Did I mention I have my PhD in making people love me? We sat around and chatted about the inauguration, and watched the SAG awards and commented on the all. I should mention his family is one of the original founders of Charlotte and on the upper crusty side. I wooed them with all my witty comments and informative insights to all the film and their stars. SM's aunt finally showed up, so we all sat down to eat. she whispered across the table "I'm happy you are together again." I've so got this in the bag!

The dinner conversation was a little racier than the one's at my family's dinner table. The one conversation that continued to come up was interracial dating. This is always a touchy subject, but I ceased control of the subject as quickly as possible. To show I am progressive, true, and still traditional I told them my view was that I am not usually attracted to other races, I'm not against it whatsoever. The room grew silent as I knew all eyes fell on me. That arose the question of did I have relations with [insert N bombs]? I answered honestly which turned into how many sexual partners I've had. Can't say I was honest but what was I supposed to do, let them know their son's boyfriend had been a slut once upon a time. I may have bluffed a bit and used a killer poker face as they all bought it. To use a baseball analogy that would be ball one right? The rest of the evening went peachy as I realized nothing was too over the top or vulgar for this family. I was in heaven. Finally after five hours I had to go home. This is where my night turned bad.

With mine and SM's reuniting I've made some adjustments to me speed dial. I texted what I thought was Chocolate Snatch to let her know about my evening. The text was as followed...

I had an amazing time with his family. I just never realized how racist they are.

No sooner had I done it when SM's text alarm went off and so did the alarm in my head. FUCK!!! If I tucked and rolled out of a moving car would it be enough to distract him from his phone? Too late. He read it and gave me a face that melted my heart.
"That was meant for someone else?"
"Yeah [Chocolate Snatch]."
"....(smile)I love you."
Then he just kept driving and held my hand. WHAT?! This is the second time he has ever told me he loved me and the first time it was not provoked by me. What is his damn problem? That's when I realized he really has changed and cares for me. It may be bad luck or a real Freudian slip, but that's when I knew this was going somewhere. Oh, and I found out his mother wants to do dinner every Sunday night. Looking foreword to it!

Bradley James

PS. Can I say I haven't gotten many comments on my blog. I know it's intimidating but I greatly appreciate those who do. If you are not feeling ballsy enough or simply can't here is the link to my Facebook group. Please leave me a comment on things you liked or didn't. This will help my content and overall confidence. So leave one yo!

Facebook Inspiration...

Many people have made the transition of growing up and leaving the past begind you. Of course I'm talking about the transition from MySpace to Facebook. I spend more time on Facebook than I do practically any other site. I will sit there and wait for that red notification to pop up for hours just mindlessly wandering the world of Facebook. Some poeple have gambeling or drugs, I have Facebook. Sue me.

So while killing time yesterday I decided to check out some old friend's pages. I started scanning marital statuses and recent photos and then quote walls. I was suprised to find how many people put up inspirational quotes on Facebook. Most of these quotes include a bible verse, most from Psalms, and a quote from a Noble Peace Prize winner. I've learned how to catigorize my friends into these three groups by their quote wall.

First are my bible verse friends. These are my good friends. These friends spend time at church helping to service the less fortunate in the community. Most of my bible verse friends prefer country or classic rock and drive trucks or SUVs. They commonly are family driven and want, if they don't have already, a litter of children. This is the most common type of Facebook Quote Wall friend.

Next are the Noteable Figure friends. These include quotes from Ghandi or Malcom X or Barack Obama. These are less common than the Bible Quote friends and much touchier. You do not want to offend these pretentious people as they think they individualists who generally drink microbrewed beer and smoke from hookas. You will commonly see these people riding bikes or driving a Prius. These people are generally liberal and hate their parents for bringing them up in such a closeminded household. They are a very edgy type, so approach with caution.

Then there are my good friends. The inappropriate drunk comment quotes on someones wall is a sign of a true friend and drinking buddy. These are very laid back people with a real sense of self. You will see these people driving in their second generation foriegn owned cars(see '89 Honda Civic). These are my people and some of the best quotes of all time come from these people. I thought I'd include a few anonomous I've found on friend's walls.

"Do you know what a guy could do with six fingers?"
"I'll vote when Taco Friday get's passed."
"Let's just say at this point, if I were to go down on you, you'd probably end up pregnant."

The lesson to be learned here is you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but when picking friends check their quote wall and measure them on the scale of lameness based on so. Also when picking friends check the Favorite Music section and make sure Nickleback or Hinder are no where in sight.

Bradley James

Twinkie in the Lion's Den...

Yesterday was one of those days, you know which ones I'm talking about. Those days when nothing really significant happens and you start to get that nice fuzzy calm feeling inside that almost radiates from you. Then you step off the curb and it goes from "my uneventful good day" to "the day I got hit by bus." Yeah it was that day.

My workload yesterday was pretty minimal. I pretty much put my self in neutral and coasted through. I was out by ten or so and had plans to meet Chocolate Snatch's boyfriend out and have a few drinks. Actually I'm not sure if boyfriend is the right term, but this is my blog damn it and I will humor the thought. While waiting for him I started on of my favorite games, in which you pick a celebrity that would play your friends in the movie of your life. If you have never gotten drunk and played this game please do so. Also keep Shannon Doherty and Tara Reid in mind at all times as everyone has one of these two in their movie. Superman had texted that he was out and about may drop by my watering hole. I said sure in passing thinking it would amout to nothing. Chocolate Snatch's boyfriend never came which in hindsight is probably a good thing. If I were looking for muscle he'd be at the top of my list. I was chatting with Fritas when through the door strolls a very tall handsome guy trailed by a short skinny one. My boyfriend and Twinkie. Fuck!

This kid had some fucking nerve. I know that this was Superman's way of trying to get Twinkie to offer the olive branch or white flag, whatever, but here in my territory I am the fucking lion king. Within minutes everyone at the bar knew who was who and what was going on. Twinkie tried to talk to me about anything and I would have given him a very aggressive answer had I not been pouring straight bourbon down my throat. I may not think straight, but I like it straight. Within ten minutes I reached my goal, I was too drunk to drive and therefore needed to be brought home. I kissed SM goodbye and gave my half assed hug to Twinkie and darted out the door.

Ok, maybe it's not as bad as it sounds, but between the booze and the rage I blacked out until I made it home. There is no telling what things I may have said or done in a hostile environment like that, though I imagine I would get a text or call this morning informing me I should start doing damage control. So much for not living my life like Lindsay Lohan. Call me crazy but I'm not over the tire slashing so I'm sure I'm not ready for a cease fire. I'm the one with the power and control now. I'll keep you all updated.

Bradley James