Black ain't got nuttin' to do wit It!

By far one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Bradley James

The Time Has Come...

So I've been waiting for quite a while now to post, but haven't really been inspired. Well this morning the inspiration hit like a pimp hand.

So can I say how pissed I am as far as the project goes. I am getting economically cockblocked. What kind of bullshit is that. There is no gas. At least in the southeast there's not. How am I going to go out and get laid or date if I can't drive there? Cause by God I will not fucking walk.

Well I suppose I can tell you about this new guy. He's like 5'9ish, 160 lbs, dark hair, and baby blue eyes. All in all, fucking cute as hell. So while picking up my double tall soy thing in the coffee line he gave me his number. Fucking sweet, I didn't even need to work for it! We talked for a minute and he wasn't a total tard either. Another plus for him, doing good. Then he tells me his name. Brad. Are you kidding? Do you think this is funny God? We'd be The Brad's or Bsquared. Or worse as I told Helmet, people would think I was talking about myself in the third person. "Brad's so hot!" "Brad looks great naked!" So on my way to work I put his napkin number in my just in case compartment. My glove box.

***

And on another note, I'm going to A-ville in a month for a high school friend's wedding with Fritas. Here's my issue, I have two places I can stay. One with Johnny Angel and one with Big. So the dilemma is who is the lucky guy? So I've done the pros for both situations(and there are no cons, I'm getting laid!) and decided to post them so maybe I can choose.

JA is constantly in my life, so we know what happens when we get together. He is also closer to the wedding and reception. and lastly with him I'm likely, but not positively going to have a threeway, which I haven't seen since the breakup threeway of '06.

Then there's Big(as in SatC not BIG!, though I'd say above average). Big and I have always had something, but never really acted much on it. We've had relations but never anything to brag about, well maybe once I could brag about. But this time I have FULL confidence that this time is it, and I actually care about this guy. I haven't seen him in three years and we still have inside jokes.

What's a man to do? Follow his heart or his cock? Ah, the age old question. Though I think I've made up my mind, I'm always open to comments. Plus I want you on the edge of your seats as to who I'll choose. Don't loose sleep though.

Bradley James

PS. Karma is a bitch!

Up Your Nose (with a Fleshy Hose)...

This story begins as most good stories do, in a bar. It had been a trying day at work and I needed to unwind. I walked from work to the closest bar and started drinking, not get-drunk-drinking, just relax drinking. It seemed to be a slow night for them too as less than an hour later I was closing down the bar, but I still didn't feel like I had found my zen yet. So I started texting, like booty call texting Riley who shall forever be known as Timeshare(owned by someone for the rest of the year, but for a week he's your's kinda deal). Thanks Fritas.

After less than 10 texts I was on my way to his place. As I was getting close to his apartment, I texted to let him know. He replied so once there I followed his instructions and as I opened the door, there he was on hands and knees. By far one of my better moments.

He sure was a kinky one as I choked him, verbally abused him, physically abused him, anything I could think of to humiliate this guy. But he was a trooper, he wanted everything harder, faster, and louder. I wasn't sure if I could keep up with him. After an hour or two I started to get the hang of it all. I'd mastered the choking thing by this point, screamed more obscene things than a Jerry Springer marathon, and smacked his ass until my hand was numb. I told him to finish first and as he got face fucked and came. I felt it coming soon now too so I pulled out and tried to "dot the eyes." When I finished he started choking so I tried to figure out what happened and as he looked up it hit me. I hit the floor in hysterics. I had choked him by shooting a giant load straight up his nose.

***

I hope I have some more good stories for you coming soon. As always thank you all for the feedback, and for those that are telling their friends. This project wouldn't be near as much fun without you. By the way I have 3 more dates this week, so hope they are just as entertaining.

Bradley James

A Sign From God...

Call them miracles or what have you, but I had a sign from God to start my 30 project, which I have decided to extend to the end of October. It was as if someone out there gave me the push to pick it up, so I will regale you with the tale.

As an early birthday present, one of my good friends contacted me. She told me to check my email which I reluctantly did. The caption for said email was "So you don't die alone..." Great. I open it up, and to my surprise I found a subscription to a gay dating website. Mortified as I should be, edited the pictures and profile which I have since had a positive response to. Because of this I have been on two dates, both in my mind successful. The first was good, but since has shown no interest. But the second seemed more promising. So I'll fill you in.

***

Me and "Riley" meet before he had to work at Panara Bread. Good choice(see Dating Rules post). He's well put together, in good shape, and green eyes. Fuck, my kryptonite. I won't make it past the second date without a face full of this guy. We get food and sit down. I did as always and let him into my cynical flirtatious world. We joked and talked about judging people, a long lived personal hobby of mine, when the subject of exes was brought up. Or so I thought.

He told me about how he met his boyfriend through an amazing turn of events. I, being naive, thought he had simply broken up recently and let it slip. In a gesture to make him feel better, I filled him in on how I met my ex(A story I will save for later). He soon started talking about the ring he wears and mentioned his boyfriend when it clicked, "Holy butt sex Batman," he is in a relationship. I tried not to show the shock on my face. I changed the subject quickly. He talked about how nice it is to go out and meet people who don't want to hook up. Good, first date passed then and no sex. After another hour or so we shook hands and he headed off to work as I, baffled, drove home.

I later received a text saying how much fun he had. Good, I made a new friend. Maybe this is a new way to meet guys as he seems well connected.

Earlier today I got yet another string of texts, all with sexual innuendos. I responded back as any 23 year old male would do, retaliate. The flirting became teasing, and the teasing became text sex. I was now utterly confused. After 2 hours of this I finally called him to find out what the fuck was going on. Sparing some of his gory details I found that he is the top in his relationship and can on occasion, if not spoken about, go out and get a guy to fuck him. I arranged for us to meet later in the week, but one thing still stuck with me. While text sexing(sexting) he was very graphic with how he wanted to be dominated and humiliated. Humiliated? Who the fuck is this guy?! So I, as not to look like a prude told him I would obey his wishes, but here's the kicker. Before we parted sexting ways, he asked me if I was into kink. What kind of kink? Foot fetish or S&M? Not to sound like a missionary only gay, I'm not really experimental with my sexcapades. I got no clarification on this subject before he told me he was off to bed. So all I can say now is stay tuned to find out about Riley and me. I promise you won't be disappointed!

Brad

PS. Tomorrow night I'm going out to the gay club with some friends so expect me to get drunk and make out with strangers. Stay tuned!

My General First Date Rules...

As seasoned veteran of many first dates, let me first tell you the signs to start faking heart failure. Or just don't come back from the bathroom, you choose.

First of all you must have all teeth in tact(You think I'm fucking joking Jethro?!). Another very important one as it got me into quite an awkward situation, no strange religious affiliations. TRUST ME. You can have a maximum of 3 pets before you start looking like the makings of a cat lady. If they are so vain, they really think the song is about them(We all know it's about me Carly). Listen closely as I will be very specific, if they break more than two of the cardinal rules of dating, leave(See Below).This may be a personal peeve of mine, and so I'll end on it. If you hear the words WoW/World of Warcraft run for the hills like a sorority girl in a horror movie, they already have someone in their life more important than you.

***

Good. So now that you know your date isn't a rifle wielding redneck or a self involved computer nerd, we'll continue on to rules you should follow on a first date. This are all nonnegotiable laws written by the hands of the dating gods millenniums ago. It is also allowed by these same gods to break two rules and only two per date. I myself have broken quite a few, but in old age and wisdom, I see these laws were made for the better of mankind. Let's begin...

WHO
You must make sure this person is of your own sexual nature. He/She must be within a ten year age limit of yourself, one of the few I broke, and must be available(ie. no other serious relationships).

When
Please pick a decent hour. On a weekend for dinner, or a weekday lunch. A midnight kegger at your frat bud's "pad" is not an appropriate time, or place for that matter to enjoy your first date over flat beer. Don't be a tool. Eat one.

Where
Now this is when the rules start becoming crucial. From here on in the are the set in stone, Do-Not-Cross first date boundaries. On a first date you should not go to a movie. You will test the gods and they will curse you with the talker. "This is the best part of the movie... She get pummeled in the face with a spear!" I myself prefer dinner. Do not do Italian or pasta. The last thing you want is to look across the table and see he/she is slurping down pasta like a holocaust victim. Go for sandwiches or sushi, again no meatball subs please. Since we are on the restaurant topic, pick something between $10-$30 a head. That way if it's bad you didn't break the bank.

Why
This is an easy one pure and simple. If you are out on the date for intentions aside from finding a companion, get yourself a damn call girl. You'll pay the same for about 3 dates anyway.

What
Or rather what not... Don't have sex on the first date. It's trashy and they will see you for nothing more than a cheap skank. At least the call girl is getting some pocket change. Do not drink or smoke anything, as more than likely you again will look like a hooker trying to get hers. Yet another big NO, do not talk about your ex on the first date. Save your mopey starcrossed lovers story for someone who gives a crap. So all in all, be professional.

First dates are more like interviews, so dress appropriatly. Business casual is best as not to make them feel underdressed. So that it's clear lets cover the other spectrum, DO NOT show up in basketball shorts and a Sublime tee and expect to get a second date. More than anything guys and gals, just be you. Just because I don't like you doesn't mean no one else does. Remember that you have to go on 10 bad dates to get the good one.

Bradley James