I Just Want To Take It Nice and Slow...

Well slowing down our relationship to half the speed it was last time is turning out to be harder than it sounded. I see him for two days then I don't for three. It's like I'm a child caught in a custody battle, but no one is winning. Correction... I am most certainly winning, because custody battles don't usually involve adult relations. Say hello to regular sex again!

I also got to confront the roommate the other day, or rather he confronted me. Ken sent me a text at two in the morning saying he wanted to meet and talk. Needless to say I texted him back when I got up and we set a time to meet at the local Starbucks. He told me contrary to popular belief he did not hate me and was not plotting my death. Now taking in that he is a. Superman's roommate and best friend, and b. Secretly in love with my now boyfriend though only he thinks it's secret, I decided to take all the nice and kind things with a grain of salt. All I can say is I've got my guard up.

With it being Christmas and me already having met Superman's family, I went out for Chinese with them. I also got to meet his brother's girlfriend's family. It's confusing because he is still married in Wyoming to this cunt whore who claims to be preggers. I'm calling BS. So anyway the girlfriend's family is HICK like no other. Elbows on the table, eating friend chicken with their hands like it's fucking KFC. Afterward we went back to his parent's house for a few drinks. We all had wine, from a bottle with no handle thank you, while they killed some Franzia. It was like Christmas with the Bush family on mesculine.

After we left I had to break some bad news to SM(Superman). After our sexual rendevoux the other night Little Brad was left with a few battle wounds, so sadly only he got some Christmas dome. Oh well you can't win them all.

**

I decided this post should end with a rough draft of some New Years resolutions I can keep this year, more specifically holiday related for next year. Here's the list so far...

1. Wrap presents ASAP. It's just as important as the gifts themselves, and non one like a shitty wrapped gift.

2. Save change. There is nothing worse than getting the judgment stare from the Salvation Army guy after walking by and not leaving change, even though you've left some at the mall, two grocery stores, and Target that day as well.

3. Regifted gifts shouls be burned after making full circle. Example... I gave a CD to my mom, who gave it to my brother who gave it to me. It's the modern day fruitcake, no pun intended. Burn the shit.

4. Send Christmas cards. That way you don't feel so bad if someone gets you a present, and you give them nothing. This is also why you have a few extra cards with generic notes in them for these people.

Well I've enjoyed it and will try to post again before the New Year, but if not enjoy it and be safe and I'll see you in 2009!! Merry Christmas!

Bradley James

The Future Before Your Eyes...

I did it, I made my goal of holding out 'til the third date. That's not happened ever before. I'd say it was amazng, but I've so been there before and expected nothing less. Technically I've surpassed my goal, because we didn't have "sex," we did do everything but. That's actually an interesting question... Do you consider fellatio or cunnilingus "sex," or does actual down under penetration need to occur? I'm a traditionalist, dome isn't sex and therefore can be used as currency without you feeling like a dirty hooker.

Needless to say I spent the night with very little sleep. I barely made it through dinner with my family today. After a few long hours and a very hot shower (That's what she said.) we sat outside and watched the sun come up and talked about where we are and where we want to be. He was very straight forward about wanting to find a guy and settle down, something he's wanted to do since his midteens. That puts alot of pressure on me, but I do hope it works out. I so hope it does, I really do like this guy.

I was invited to a New Years party with all of our old mutual friends. Everyone we knew will be there, again all of whom love me and for the first time in MANY years I have a New Years kiss planned. What does this mean for me? It means at the drop of that ball I'm leaving the troubles of our past and looking to the hope of the future. Superman wants to settle down, and at this point maybe I should be thinking the same way, or at least the perspective of it. Maybe now I can have a New years resolution that I will follow? My resolution this year is to listen to my heart more than ever and know that no matter what happens Iwill be watching out for one thing this year, my future of happiness.

**

This is a message going out to single people everywhere. Let your guard down and follow your instincts. Fall into a hopeless romance and get hurt, God knows I have. Get hurt but get over it and stand up stronger than ever before. Life is a string of choices, so on't waste time at the crossroads. Take the road less traveled and maybe you can find what you are looking for.

Bradley James

Date Number Three...

I've been fighting this goofy smile since last night. Now that I'm home and rested it's found a nice place to lay it's head.

I'm guessing you know now that it went well. I just want you all to know that with all the good dates we've been on in the last little bit I will never be an optimist, however I am going to be optmomistic about our relationship. So he watched the band play with us tonight. He brought a few friends as a buffer (whom I've met and love anyway) and so did I. The company of coworkers and roommates was a perfect escape from the awkwardness of a real date at my place of employment. At one point in the evening I parted ways for a few to catch up with some old friends and Fritas and Superman had a great conversation. He got an outlandish score on cool points from my friends.

After that we moved the party to his place where I got to take on my only relationship speed bump head on. I made it outside with K (his roommate who hates me), and tried to confront my combatant head on. However, Superman and his buds came out at the same time to save me from a fight. I guess it's hard to date if the best friend hates you. Later in the night via text I was happy to find he is going to be nothing but civil, despite his feelings.

We chilled for a while playing Rock Band but I needed to go home, so he walked me out to my car. This was one of those great nights when you know the kiss is coming and you try to bottle the "stage fright" feeling. It just so happened that he kissed me in the best way possible. It was one of those "walk away, whirl you around and have you way with them" kiss. Even though we've dated before, I'd consider that our first kiss.

As you know there will be more to come in meeting his friends again, the New Years party (which I'll mention later), and all the drama that comes with it all!!

Bradley James

Faster Than a Speeding Bullet...

So you were all losing sleep over the Superman story I'm sure so I thought I'd report back quickly. The evening went well, really well. I got there about half an hour early to plan my escape stratgey and go through all the scenarios in my mind. Is he on some 12 step program and needs my forgiveness? Is he setting this up to tear me down again? Did I just dream this email from him?

He showed up right on time as usual. I thought it would be more uncomfortable than it was. He apoligized for everything, even the breakup which to this point I blamed myself for. Turns out he pushed me away the more I tried to get close to him. He pushed until I finally, and literally, pushed back. And for the record may I say I'm not a physical violence kid of person. It was surreal seeing the person I dated so long ago, saying the things I wish he'd said then. One quite obvious theme of the night was chemistry. I remembered exactly why we dated. He is charming and smart and so many things I look for. He also named the three things I did during our relationship that made him so happy. Number three was trivial (because I forgot it...Ha!), number two was scratching his back every night until he fell asleep, and number one was the baby birth. I could explain it, but that would do it no justice. It must be experienced.

One particular thing that did concern me and still does is his roommate and best friend. I received some very vicious emails from him after our breakup. Come to find that Superman was the one to stop these emails attacking me. Now that he was out with me again Superman didn't say anything to him, so that can of worms we will wait to open. On a positive note, his other roommate and his neighbor are big fans of me. Actually all but one of his friends loved me. Why is it the best friend that doesn't? I know why, but I'll keep that to myself.

We went on to talk for five hours. We talked about his family whom I love and loves me, and his friends who as I said feel the same. I've never felt so reassured of myself ever. Coffee turned into dinner which lead to us hanging out again. I really didn't think I would have the rush of feelings for him again, but I did.

We decided on tonight to hang out after I was done hanging with The Scoobies. That could be a blog in itself. Reguardless we decided to see Milk at the Manor Theater tonight. The movie was ok, but the experience was amazing. We laughed at the same times and interjected our own humor as well. By the end of the movie my head was practically on his shoulder. Where was this coming from? We closed the place down and talked outside about the new Street Fighter movie coming out, Watchmen, and of course Comparing Milk and Brokeback Mountain. I got the feeling he wanted to go home so I hugged him and threw another witty comment his way. We laughed again and he turned to leave, so I pulled his shirt toward me and kissed him. I kissed him? You may not know this, unless you've dated me, but I don't make first moves. I get fumbely and nervous, but this time I grew a pair and kissed him and may I say for the first time in public ever. All in all it was a ten on the dating scale. I'm so excited to hear from him again I can barely wait. I'm sure this isn't the last you will hear of Superman, or the drama of the roommate.

Bradley James

New Beginnings...

It seems that will be the theme of the new year, like all those loose ties are sneaking back into my life and all my stable foundations are crumbling. I found out yesterday my boss and friend is leaving for a better paying job. I'm proud and happy, and yet still hurt and sad. I'm having some issues compartmentalizing my feelings right now. Bottling them up and dealing with them later is the American way, or at least my way.

Even more unsettling is my love life. I'm on Big's back burner and coincidentally also on the rebound, but that's an eternal state for me. I went out with "What If" guy and it was bad. Really bad. After listening to the sound of my salad crunching in my mouth for twenty minutes he got an emergency phone call.He must have sent the "Help me!" text before I could. So being the person I am needed to cleanse my dating karma by calling up my fuck buddy. He being the good friend came over and helped me deal with the dating tragedy by doing what he does best. Not until We were finished and cleaned up does he tell me he needs to get back before his BOYFRIEND wonders where he is. Did you see that coming? Fuck buddies don't have boyfriends, they stay in the wings waiting for your call like the obedient puppies they are.

Which brings me to today. I opened my email to find one unread from Superman. Who is Superman you ask? In between all my Big encounters there has only been one other guy to take away a piece of my heart. I call him Superman as that is what he was for Halloween, the day we got together. We dated for close to a year, moved in, shared friends, the whole deal. He was also very set in his ways which ended being part of our downfall. I can't let him take all the blame. It was a clean breakup but very hurtful. Anyway flash to the present, his email goes something like...I've been considering doing this for six months now... I never got a chance to apologize or justify why I was a douchebag... I understand if you never want to see me again... Long story short he wants to meet for dinner. I may be reading into this, but generally dinner means a date right? So again, pulling a Brad, I agreed to go tomorrow night before my Christmas party. I can't say I'm not excited, and I'm very interested to know how he is doing, but more so what am I doing? Did we not hurt each other enough last time? So here I am again doing what I do best, getting in over my head. More to come in the next few days I'm sure, so keep lookout.

Bradley James

"What If" vs. the 6...

With my heart in emotional limbo, I've decided to use this time wisely. The time to wander aimlessly, no date aimlessly. One of my future conquests was brought up by my dating guru R. She brought up the fact that all of the guys I date are gorgeous, and very dumb and shallow. She mentioned the idea of dating someone I didn't think was physically on my playing field, but mentally. Maybe she was right, maybe I should date the guy I'll grow to love.

But I'm forgetting some more good advice she'd given me. And as a side note let me tell you she is so ahead of her time she has no idea. I thought I'd remind her. Anyway she mentioned her "What If" guy. That guy that you had a great connection with, physically and mentally, timing was just off.

So now I've decided to date both of them within the week and see how they both pan out. The smart unattractive guy is one I met online. He's cute, but not my normal level of attractiveness. Has a great job, reads, and is wise beyond his years. At least that's how he appears in his emails. Most likely he is a serial murderer, with a fondness for hot, unintelligent young men. But why the hell not? The "What If" guy I met a while ago through a friend. Quite hairy from what I remember, but very attractive. I've always liked being the pretty one in the relationship. Door number two is a little younger, but in great shape and wit like no other.

So here are the two contenders fighting for my heart or at least a warm bed to sleep in. Who is your money on? If anything I'm putting my money on "What If," in R's case and in mine.

**

This blog is dedicated to R. Someone who inspires me everyday of my life to be the best person I can. I may not be your maid of honor one day, but I will be your confidant for all of eternity. I hope that your "What If" becomes your "What Is." He's an amazing guy who deserves the whole package. And next to my package, you're the closest he's ever going to get.

Bradley James

The Dating Caste System...

Do you think there is one? Is our society divided into unchangeable groups you can't escape? Are they strict rules or just taboo? These are all the questions that come to me when I get the creepy message from some prehistoric child molester on MySpace... "Bradley, you into older?"

You have to give snaps to people that try to date out of their numerical attractiveness status, because at least they are that brave. Mostly though, these people are stupid. So the real question is what are the defining characteristics of these leagues? I think the system falls not on age or race, but numerically. But then you have to ask yourself, am I a 6 or an 8?

Like previously mentioned, age is a deciding factor into your numerical status, as the older you get the lower your numerical value will be. For example a 20 year old will generally fall higher on the scale than a 50 year old will. We all know that stamina is also a huge deciding factor as well. Lets not lie to ourselves.

There is however debate on whether your personality is a contributor. Is is based solely on physical appearance alone? My personal feeling is include the personality is a huge part. Do you want to walk up to some guy that looks like Patrick Dempsey and talks like Keanu Reeves? I will however limit this personality to small talk as you are judged only on the first three minutes. Three minutes you say? Well it just so happens that I have a theory regarding anyone, within the first three minutes you decide if you would sleep with this person. Cut throat? Maybe, but honest.

These aren't rules for judging numerical value, but they are good guidelines. So next time 6, when you ask me if I(8) want a drink, think twice and go play with someone your own size.

Bradley James

The Ex Files...

There's something strange about them. Inhuman almost. Emotional telepathy is what I think it is, and lately I've fallen victim to the powers of darkness. Have you even noticed once you're settled into a new relationship and have finally moved on, then they start appearing? You know... The exes. Or maybe you've moved or found a new great job only to find them as your first client or next door neighbor. It's as though they can sense you're happiness in life and want to come and suck that glimmer of hope from your still beating heart!

Maybe I'm getting carried away, but I've been in a good place now. I'm happy. My friends are amazing, and I like my job well enough. I'm not alone, but not really dating. All in all I'm comfortably good. That's when they strike from the woodwork with torches and pitchforks at you like you're this carnal beast when it's them that don't see the monster inside. I'm sure even I've been that evil blood thirsty beast before. It's more subconscious than anything. You don't recognize the evil taking place until you look in the mirror.

Well my friends this has been that week. Those creatures must have dropped the victims they were leeching on to come again to prey on me. First one, then three, and finally five came after me at one point or another. They tend to strike sometimes as innocently as texts or emails, but the real beasts like to make themselves known. Some just appear, usually at gas stations or supermarkets, but then there are the ones that go out to find you! These are the most dangerous kind, as I found out this week. This one searched Myspace to find me. He then dug deeper and found out where I worked, and not only came in to eat but to see me. He sat at the bar and watched me for hours before striking. It seems anytime they try this their opening line is the same, "Seeing anyone?" Fucking chills to my toes.

When you break up you think it's done, like you will see Elvis before that pathetic excuse for a boyfriend. But be warned, They are all out there lurking in the shadows, stalking and waiting until that optimal happy point to strike. Always have your guard up and never walk a supermarket alone...

Bradley James

PS. Anyway this guy could have been the stalker from my earlier post? Comments...

Can You Feel the Change?

First off let me congratulate our next president of the United States, Barack Obama. Also thanks to John McCain who's speech was compelling and captivating. Now on to business!

**

It's been a week of reflection, looking on the past and seeing the difference between what was and what is. I got to go out to dinner with one of my bestest, B. We knew each other from church a long time ago, and again through mutual friends, and finally worked together to solidify our relationship. Much of my reflecting today is due to her. Ru San's is our place to reminisce and that we did. Of relationships, love interests, and mistakes we wish we could take back. And may I also add that the Starbucks on East is the most fantastic place ever. It has real silver cutlery and a fucking fire place.

I even recieved a peom I wrote a hundred years ago via email. I won't go into the embarassing details of the content, but I will say I(as well as my writing) have grown quite a bit. It got me to thinking if you will continue changing at this rapid pace forever or if it is just a 20 something phase? Do you ever really "become" the person you want to be? All I can think is how happy I am changing into that person, no matter how long it takes. Make the mistakes, make new friends, and get off your ass. Enjoy living life.

Bradley James

Generation Y Not...

I'm so happy to live in the times we do, and sometimes we don't even realize what advantages we do have. In today's society you can become a doctor after 40. You can wait to get married, be a bachelor at 50! A black man could become president.

I think there is no real goal for this generation, and none of us give a shit. Our parent's got married in their twenties and had kids. Some got divorced in their thirties and had more kids. And now live in the "Family Home." This generation we are so lazy. We aren't buying, we're renting because we are indecisive. And it's true with relationships as well. There's no heart in it, because we are in a what-if-something-better-comes-along mindset. The really funny thing is something better will always come along. The the compartment size of a gigabyte of information has shrunk half the size of the previous year since the 70's. And who said wine is the only thing that gets better with time?

So all my Gen X and Gen Y homies, be indecisive, do what you want, and tell those Baby Boomers to suck it next time they tell you to grow up. Take your damned time.

Bradley James

Fairy Tale Facade...

For ages these stories have been passed down. Hans Christian Anderson and the Brothers Grimm immortalized them on paper for the world to compare their lives to. Now it seems more than ever these fairy tales are no longer leading us toward something to work or look for. They have now become evil, something to try to live up to but somehow always fall short.

Which one of these is fairy tale curse? Are you Cinderella, cursed into a life of abuse which later leads to substance abuse waiting for your NA in shining armor to sweep you off your feet? Or guys, maybe you're the beast on the outside with the heart of gold? Repunzel with her abandonment issues? Whoever your story is about the problem is all the same.

Today's real love stories are based on games. The thrill of the chase, the hunt, it's our most basic animal instinct reinventing itself. Now it's not distance that makes a heart grow fonder. It's knowing that you won this battle, but now that stakes have changed from lives to hearts or trust. Now to really mix my metaphors, is when you realize there is no real prey/predator just wolves in sheepskin. How do we know who to trust or how even? You don't and that's the last lesson you shall learn today. Don't hate the player, hate the game.

Bradley James

Concluding My 30 Day Project...

I know I still have a week to go on the 30 day project, but with no real perspectives in my future I've decided it's time to fess up. What did I learn from my experience thus far? It's hard to say. I know I've realized how different it is trying to date in the straight world than in my world. Dating pools are smaller and more spread out. Also being a picky guy hasn't helped. In fact the best two dates, per say, were people I already knew.

Interesting development, I knew both of the guys I had the most fun with before the project. Maybe it's gotten to the point in your life, when all that you need is finally right here. Or maybe it's that sad point when you really exhausted every other option and now you are left to your own sloppy seconds. How depressing. Well at least I'm not in glass-half-full mode anymore. Back to dark and dismal.

What else have I learned? I've learned you can't put a time limit on finding someone, much less to find someone to love. Well you can, just really lower the bar. Remember these hopeless losers are single for a reason, either damaged, homely, or too concerned to get their rocks off to even fathom a relationship. You think you found that last good single guy (Diamond in the rough, much?), you're very wrong or as dumb as the guy you're going for. Good luck you crazy fucking kids.

I suppose to conclude this project what I really learned was all those cliches people tell you, "if you're looking for love first check your backyard" kind of shit is cliche for a reason. Most of the shit is spot on. Seems to me if you can't find love, or are just incapable of it, great lovers and great friends will fill the gap just fine. At least if you're in your 20's. Maybe every decade alone just gets more depressing. Then I'm out Thelma and Louise style bitches.

Bradley James

Building a Mystery...

I figured it would have been too much to put this part of my trip in my last blog so I made a complete different segment. By the way if anyone knows anything pertaining to this series of events let me know ASAP. Stalkers are no bueno.

**

So on my way back from the Whee and hiking I see I have a new voicemail(and I suppose no missed call, because I had no signal). It was a call from Fritas. She said my mother called my job to say she hadn't seen me in a week, so as soon as I could I called Momma to let her know I was ok, even after the slew of texts I sent her. When I talked to her was when it started getting creepy. My mother didn't call and got all my messages. Huh?

By the time I made it to Ctown it was the last thing on my mind until Berger told me the rest of the story. Not only did they claim they were my mother, but wanted to verify if the cell number they had for me was right, and what my schedule for the week was. So not being the brightest bulb in the tanning bed the bitch starts telling this woman my information until my boss hears whats going on and asks to speak to the woman and when he tries she hangs up. Creepy right? I'm starting to feel less like me and more like Jonbenet Ramsey.

Now that I'm sufficiantly freaked I meet up with my boss at work to get to the bottom of this. He thinks he remembers the area code and we go through the call log on Sunday. Two matches come up via reverse phone lookup, one out of Wilmington and one that says no service. I call Ms. Wilmington first only to find out it's someone I work with. She must have called to check her schedule right? Not the case when I speak with her, she claims not to have called there Sunday but also doesn't have our work number programmed in her phone. OK... I tried door number two and much to my suprise, it's been cut off. The seond caller had their phone shut off between Sunday night and Tuesday afternoon. Now that is fucking freaky.

So what's your input? Is it the crazy girl at work stalking me, or the disconnected phone line? Either way I'm flattered I have a stalker, really I am, but maybe join my fan club instead. You get an autographed poster and all. Please leave all stalking to the professionals, do not try at home.

Bradley James

My Big Adventure...

I've tried my best to be as honest as possible with my blogging, and I think I've more than held up my part of the agreement. This weekend I went up to visit Big, in return to some of your comments. When it comes to the matters of my heart, I've learned to keep it out of public eye. Guess you'll have to wait for the book kids. I will tell you a little bit my adventure though.

So after the day from hell at work, I made it on the road by 9pm and was there at a very punctual midnight. It's funny not seeing him for years, and I know it's cliche, but we picked right up where we left off telling inside jokes and regaling our troubled pasts. I'm not even sure how late we stayed up drinking wine and catching up, but we woke at 7 in the morning to go hiking. It was COLD, but it was so worth every minute. We went hiking behind waterfalls and up mountains, and found a house(that looked more like a castle) that could have weathered the siege on Normandy. After our lunch of Subway and Sun Chips on the lake we jammed like some hella white kids to Missy Elliot and Queen, and then went in search of Suki.

We found her at The Rusty bar backing, I'll skip the obvious joke. Well Suki is my Wiccan friend who happens to have worse taste in men than I do. Like Big, I haven't seen her in quite a few years and let me tell you she looked like the same girl only half the size. She looked great. She told me about some of our old mutual friends. Brands is married and on meth, Blondie graduated, and Folkes is back from Sweden, and Suki got married too?! Hold on, this is the girl who dated the bipolar DJ with a Napoleon complex named Synergy and now she is married and, sort of, seperated. Well they had a Wiccan wedding which was not recognized by the state(just like mine would!!), and good thing too. Like most religions, anything in excess(say booze) is a faux paux. So the sauce and the fact he didn't want to move up to the Whee were the bigger problems leading to the bigger breakup. Once me and Big finished our pitcher of Yuengling, and his couple whiskey sours we left.

The rest of the night I got to meet his friends in the complex. My personal favorite was the MILF that lived two cabins down. She was a hot 48 and witty as hell. What really attracted me to her was her drink of choice, Sex on the Beach, and she finished it during our conversation in the bitter cold of the Smokies. I think I had the most distaste for his roommate. She was a shady character with eyes set too close together. After that drama, which would be boring to all of you, I helped him make lunch for the next day while we watched Family Guy. Now it was time to crash, and crash we did. Elephant tranquilizers couldn't have put me down faster.
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In the morning I gathered my things and bundled up while he got ready for work. I got one of the best hugs of my life before we parted ways. I spent the rest of the morning/afternoon hiking in and around Asheville, but it's not the same without a buddy. In fact it feels more like Deliverance than fun. Made it home in more than enough time to have a late lunch with Fritas and a few drinks with Jer-bear and Berger. Then I crashed.

**

Hope you all enjoy these blogs, but I'm still not seeing more traffic or comments. I've put the effort in so sit there on your lazy ass and tell a friend via Myspace/Facebook/telepathy. Thanks for reading again, and I will have a few new one up ASAP!

Bradley James

PS. I hope you liked that picture. It's one of my all-time favorites!

The Quickest Way to Get Shot Down...

I'm sitting enjoying a scotch with some friends, when one of my acquaintances comes to sit next to me. The debate was on, so we talked about that for a while but she had other ideas. She brought up this guy that she works with, this guy that had given me his number a month or so ago. She was not the first one to do this. If it's been a month and I haven't called, get over it.

So she tells me he's such a nice guy, smart, and loaded(sorry I'm not that shallow, and I'm pretty fucking shallow). She also mentions he's coming through the door in a minute to hang out. "Jose Gold por favor!" Scotch and tequila equals the quickest way from buzzed to Cynicismville. He sat down and talked, and he did seem nice. Too nice. I'd break him. So my friend was still behind me, so he tried to bail me out with bringing up a book he had me read, "Killing Yourself to Live" by Chuck Klosterman. He-who-was-not-getting-the-hint then shoved his foot in his mouth. "I like reading too. I just finished this great book called "Storytelling" by Tori Spelling." I didn't mean to, but it just came out. I literally laughed in his face. Tori Spelling, that money hungry piece of shit so-called actress is one of the quickest ways to make me lose my hard on. Now had he said I read Shannon Doherty's memoir "How I Kick Bitches Teeth In: A Love Story" then maybe you'd have a chance.

Bradley James

Oo Rah!

As a "writer," I can't wish for a better day than yesterday. It was going to be a chill day, a day to reflect. Those are the days you realize you are up shit creek and have nothing but your Choo's to paddle with.

Fritas and I went to lunch, like we do practically everyday. Only today was not every other day. We sat on the patio and ordered our regular entrees, but out of the corner of my eye I see a commotion on the playground. Thinking the worst(you have NO IDEA), I ran to the fence only to see Dancing Girl. This girl is infamous in our shopping center, and spotting her is like catching a Bigfoot orgy. So I grabbed Fritas' camera phone and started taking video. After jumping, twirling, and a few pop and locks she realized she had a crowd and dipped, or her E started to wear off. The rest of lunch we had plenty to talk about.

After that Fritas had to nanny, so I caught an early movie. I watched Nick and Norah's Playlist, and essentially it was like every Jennifer Love Hewitt movie, but with out JLove. I figured since I was done killing brain cells for the day, I'd go to the book store and catch up on some reading. I ended up picking out a pretty decent book, at least for the fashionista that lives within me. Bringing Home the Birken was a good story, the writing was a little juvenile, but entertaining non the less. It passed my time for a few hours until Fritas called back. We had some Firebirds for dinner and decided to part ways. This is where the night got interesting.

I go to my regular watering hole for a beer before I get some down time at home. I sat next to the manager, who I knew very well, and chatted for a bit. A few minutes, and half a beer later this bohemoth guy walks in and plops in his chair with his friend a few seats down from me. They pounded a few shots and waited on their pizza. The big guy then looks at our group and says "OOO RAH," the Marine cry. "Hey, HEY. Say Ooo Rah. SAY OOO RAH!" I half heartedly said it back when he flipped out. "What the fuck did you just say?" His pizza arived in front of him in a to-go box. By this time I had turned my chair out enough to get one great shot in. The manager told him to get the hell out, so Big Guy opens the box lid and hurls the pizza at the plasma screen and runs out leaving his friend behind. I had to listen to his friend apologize and fill out police reports for the next hour and a half. Some fucking day huh?

Bradley James

Are you an Eye Sex Offender?

Today is one of those scatterbrained days so I may be a little disconnected and go back to refine this later, but for now I won't keep my mouth shut for crab covered phallus.

Fritas and I were discussing the last blog I posted over philly cheese steaks and fries. We sat there and tossed back new ideas when it hit me like a donkey punch. A group of guys(most likely a high school sports team) waltzed through the door. One particularly caught my eye, tall, blond, blue eyed Adonis here in Penn Station subs. I knew then what I'd report on today. I started from his hair and work my eyes over him twice. The infamous eye fuck. Taught and perfected over many generations. Royals, commoners and slaves alike have all been victim.

According to UrbanDictionary.com, the definition of eye fuck is "to star at someone flirtatiously insinuating sex." So as always I have more questions than answers, so I set to the street to find out more.

I found out that an eye fuck can only occur when both parties are consenting. Otherwise this move would be considered an eye rape. Can we not come up with a bit more literary flourish than eye rape? Visual molestation maybe? I also learned there are different degrees of eye fucking. Did you know you can have an eye quickie or an eye threesome? Aparently the longer visual contact id held between two or more persons, the more intense the eye fucking is. I suppose I would fall into the category of quickie, eye fucking serial rapist. And here I thought so highly of myself. So the next time you catch the eye of a stranger in the soup isle, be aware you may have just lost your eye virginity. Keep those eyes chaste my friends.

***

In other news Paris Hilton released her first single off her new "album." Her song, My BFF, sounds like what you would hear if you through a hungary badger into the next stroller you saw. To electro beats. And worse yet, this is also the theme song to her new MTV series, My New BFF. Since the Paris and Nicole split of '05 this poor damsel has been in need of something to mask her lonliness, and thanks to the MTV gods she got her wish. A reality tv show to find her a Nicole replacement. Yes people, hide your eightballs and children, the bitch is back.

The link to the new song is here. Just be prepared. Thanks to all the people who read this crap again.

Bradley James

You Do That Like It's your Job...

Most good writing is done in the wee hours of the morning with a cigarette and some scotch(ie. Hunter S. Thompson, Jack Keroac), but not today. Today I opted for a midday blog, so lets see how this shit goes.

So the other day after chilling with Fritas and the kids, I was in the neighborhood and decided to swing by Ash's place, and was I happy I did. First of all let me tell you about Ash. She is a five foot ball of red hair and energy. And did I mention smoking hot. You're only as attractive as the company you keep. So growing up she was my project, cute southern belle to a vixen, and I fine tuned it. Now she gets to use my cell as a rolodex for guys, and I just let her go.

Anyway, while there we started on the discussion of ex sex. She claimed it was always the best sex. Or as she described it "They know how to get there; three rights, four lefts, second star to the right and straight on til morning." Eloquently put. I've never been one to have ex sex, so it raised speculations. Is it the same as repeats or fuck buddies? Or do you need the moral apprihension of fucking someone you know is totally wrong for you? Or is it just plain wild and angry, or a mixture of it all? She didn't have the answers I was looking for, so I may have to take matters into my own hands.

I'm a little pressed for time today but wanted to say thanks for reading this crap. Check me out tomorrow, or later in the week, but for now I'm going to purge myself of these feeling that keep coming up.

Bradley James

P.S. Hypothetical congrats to an actual friend. Get some strange.

Black ain't got nuttin' to do wit It!

By far one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Bradley James

The Time Has Come...

So I've been waiting for quite a while now to post, but haven't really been inspired. Well this morning the inspiration hit like a pimp hand.

So can I say how pissed I am as far as the project goes. I am getting economically cockblocked. What kind of bullshit is that. There is no gas. At least in the southeast there's not. How am I going to go out and get laid or date if I can't drive there? Cause by God I will not fucking walk.

Well I suppose I can tell you about this new guy. He's like 5'9ish, 160 lbs, dark hair, and baby blue eyes. All in all, fucking cute as hell. So while picking up my double tall soy thing in the coffee line he gave me his number. Fucking sweet, I didn't even need to work for it! We talked for a minute and he wasn't a total tard either. Another plus for him, doing good. Then he tells me his name. Brad. Are you kidding? Do you think this is funny God? We'd be The Brad's or Bsquared. Or worse as I told Helmet, people would think I was talking about myself in the third person. "Brad's so hot!" "Brad looks great naked!" So on my way to work I put his napkin number in my just in case compartment. My glove box.

***

And on another note, I'm going to A-ville in a month for a high school friend's wedding with Fritas. Here's my issue, I have two places I can stay. One with Johnny Angel and one with Big. So the dilemma is who is the lucky guy? So I've done the pros for both situations(and there are no cons, I'm getting laid!) and decided to post them so maybe I can choose.

JA is constantly in my life, so we know what happens when we get together. He is also closer to the wedding and reception. and lastly with him I'm likely, but not positively going to have a threeway, which I haven't seen since the breakup threeway of '06.

Then there's Big(as in SatC not BIG!, though I'd say above average). Big and I have always had something, but never really acted much on it. We've had relations but never anything to brag about, well maybe once I could brag about. But this time I have FULL confidence that this time is it, and I actually care about this guy. I haven't seen him in three years and we still have inside jokes.

What's a man to do? Follow his heart or his cock? Ah, the age old question. Though I think I've made up my mind, I'm always open to comments. Plus I want you on the edge of your seats as to who I'll choose. Don't loose sleep though.

Bradley James

PS. Karma is a bitch!

Up Your Nose (with a Fleshy Hose)...

This story begins as most good stories do, in a bar. It had been a trying day at work and I needed to unwind. I walked from work to the closest bar and started drinking, not get-drunk-drinking, just relax drinking. It seemed to be a slow night for them too as less than an hour later I was closing down the bar, but I still didn't feel like I had found my zen yet. So I started texting, like booty call texting Riley who shall forever be known as Timeshare(owned by someone for the rest of the year, but for a week he's your's kinda deal). Thanks Fritas.

After less than 10 texts I was on my way to his place. As I was getting close to his apartment, I texted to let him know. He replied so once there I followed his instructions and as I opened the door, there he was on hands and knees. By far one of my better moments.

He sure was a kinky one as I choked him, verbally abused him, physically abused him, anything I could think of to humiliate this guy. But he was a trooper, he wanted everything harder, faster, and louder. I wasn't sure if I could keep up with him. After an hour or two I started to get the hang of it all. I'd mastered the choking thing by this point, screamed more obscene things than a Jerry Springer marathon, and smacked his ass until my hand was numb. I told him to finish first and as he got face fucked and came. I felt it coming soon now too so I pulled out and tried to "dot the eyes." When I finished he started choking so I tried to figure out what happened and as he looked up it hit me. I hit the floor in hysterics. I had choked him by shooting a giant load straight up his nose.

***

I hope I have some more good stories for you coming soon. As always thank you all for the feedback, and for those that are telling their friends. This project wouldn't be near as much fun without you. By the way I have 3 more dates this week, so hope they are just as entertaining.

Bradley James

A Sign From God...

Call them miracles or what have you, but I had a sign from God to start my 30 project, which I have decided to extend to the end of October. It was as if someone out there gave me the push to pick it up, so I will regale you with the tale.

As an early birthday present, one of my good friends contacted me. She told me to check my email which I reluctantly did. The caption for said email was "So you don't die alone..." Great. I open it up, and to my surprise I found a subscription to a gay dating website. Mortified as I should be, edited the pictures and profile which I have since had a positive response to. Because of this I have been on two dates, both in my mind successful. The first was good, but since has shown no interest. But the second seemed more promising. So I'll fill you in.

***

Me and "Riley" meet before he had to work at Panara Bread. Good choice(see Dating Rules post). He's well put together, in good shape, and green eyes. Fuck, my kryptonite. I won't make it past the second date without a face full of this guy. We get food and sit down. I did as always and let him into my cynical flirtatious world. We joked and talked about judging people, a long lived personal hobby of mine, when the subject of exes was brought up. Or so I thought.

He told me about how he met his boyfriend through an amazing turn of events. I, being naive, thought he had simply broken up recently and let it slip. In a gesture to make him feel better, I filled him in on how I met my ex(A story I will save for later). He soon started talking about the ring he wears and mentioned his boyfriend when it clicked, "Holy butt sex Batman," he is in a relationship. I tried not to show the shock on my face. I changed the subject quickly. He talked about how nice it is to go out and meet people who don't want to hook up. Good, first date passed then and no sex. After another hour or so we shook hands and he headed off to work as I, baffled, drove home.

I later received a text saying how much fun he had. Good, I made a new friend. Maybe this is a new way to meet guys as he seems well connected.

Earlier today I got yet another string of texts, all with sexual innuendos. I responded back as any 23 year old male would do, retaliate. The flirting became teasing, and the teasing became text sex. I was now utterly confused. After 2 hours of this I finally called him to find out what the fuck was going on. Sparing some of his gory details I found that he is the top in his relationship and can on occasion, if not spoken about, go out and get a guy to fuck him. I arranged for us to meet later in the week, but one thing still stuck with me. While text sexing(sexting) he was very graphic with how he wanted to be dominated and humiliated. Humiliated? Who the fuck is this guy?! So I, as not to look like a prude told him I would obey his wishes, but here's the kicker. Before we parted sexting ways, he asked me if I was into kink. What kind of kink? Foot fetish or S&M? Not to sound like a missionary only gay, I'm not really experimental with my sexcapades. I got no clarification on this subject before he told me he was off to bed. So all I can say now is stay tuned to find out about Riley and me. I promise you won't be disappointed!

Brad

PS. Tomorrow night I'm going out to the gay club with some friends so expect me to get drunk and make out with strangers. Stay tuned!

My General First Date Rules...

As seasoned veteran of many first dates, let me first tell you the signs to start faking heart failure. Or just don't come back from the bathroom, you choose.

First of all you must have all teeth in tact(You think I'm fucking joking Jethro?!). Another very important one as it got me into quite an awkward situation, no strange religious affiliations. TRUST ME. You can have a maximum of 3 pets before you start looking like the makings of a cat lady. If they are so vain, they really think the song is about them(We all know it's about me Carly). Listen closely as I will be very specific, if they break more than two of the cardinal rules of dating, leave(See Below).This may be a personal peeve of mine, and so I'll end on it. If you hear the words WoW/World of Warcraft run for the hills like a sorority girl in a horror movie, they already have someone in their life more important than you.

***

Good. So now that you know your date isn't a rifle wielding redneck or a self involved computer nerd, we'll continue on to rules you should follow on a first date. This are all nonnegotiable laws written by the hands of the dating gods millenniums ago. It is also allowed by these same gods to break two rules and only two per date. I myself have broken quite a few, but in old age and wisdom, I see these laws were made for the better of mankind. Let's begin...

WHO
You must make sure this person is of your own sexual nature. He/She must be within a ten year age limit of yourself, one of the few I broke, and must be available(ie. no other serious relationships).

When
Please pick a decent hour. On a weekend for dinner, or a weekday lunch. A midnight kegger at your frat bud's "pad" is not an appropriate time, or place for that matter to enjoy your first date over flat beer. Don't be a tool. Eat one.

Where
Now this is when the rules start becoming crucial. From here on in the are the set in stone, Do-Not-Cross first date boundaries. On a first date you should not go to a movie. You will test the gods and they will curse you with the talker. "This is the best part of the movie... She get pummeled in the face with a spear!" I myself prefer dinner. Do not do Italian or pasta. The last thing you want is to look across the table and see he/she is slurping down pasta like a holocaust victim. Go for sandwiches or sushi, again no meatball subs please. Since we are on the restaurant topic, pick something between $10-$30 a head. That way if it's bad you didn't break the bank.

Why
This is an easy one pure and simple. If you are out on the date for intentions aside from finding a companion, get yourself a damn call girl. You'll pay the same for about 3 dates anyway.

What
Or rather what not... Don't have sex on the first date. It's trashy and they will see you for nothing more than a cheap skank. At least the call girl is getting some pocket change. Do not drink or smoke anything, as more than likely you again will look like a hooker trying to get hers. Yet another big NO, do not talk about your ex on the first date. Save your mopey starcrossed lovers story for someone who gives a crap. So all in all, be professional.

First dates are more like interviews, so dress appropriatly. Business casual is best as not to make them feel underdressed. So that it's clear lets cover the other spectrum, DO NOT show up in basketball shorts and a Sublime tee and expect to get a second date. More than anything guys and gals, just be you. Just because I don't like you doesn't mean no one else does. Remember that you have to go on 10 bad dates to get the good one.

Bradley James

Palin... Really?

So I think I might loose some sleep thinking this, but I'm kind of glad Gustov is coming the way of Katrina. What will happen with the RNC? From the looks of it, it will more likely end up a shelter to many refugees from the storm. At least that's one good thing McCain has done. Maybe this storm will be the forecast for how our country will be run in years to come. Barack and John better get those umbrellas out. You're going to be kissing some very wet babies.

And on the McCain note, could he have tried to pull the last remaining Hil Bil fans any more obviously? So choosing a woman is very much understood, but with so little credentials? She has been a Mayor of a town in alaska for 2 years and a governer for less than one. Risky move buddy, let's see how it goes.

Now I have to say as soon as I found out McCain's runningmate I had to find out about the fam, hoping for a lesbian/sex crazed daughter. I was less than excited to find out she has kids ranging from nineteen years to FOUR MONTHS! I was pleasantly suprised to come across pictures of the Palins. Sarah's eldest son Track is going into the military and I wouldn't mind seeing him in uniform. I also found her husband has no degree and no plans on one. Stay at home dad maybe? Well I'm on the fence with this, maybe she has enough experience to know what the fuck she is talking about or maybe she is still new enough to get a real person's perspective into the White house. Only time will tell.

Bradley James

PS. Call me Track!!

Fuck Buddies Revealed...

So my topic of the day is fuck buddies. We all have them and no one talks about them, like spleens. So maybe it's my job to uncover the secret sex world.

What better way to discover the inner workings of these sexual creatures with no emotional attachments, than Wikipedia.

(n) Fuck Buddy (plural) Fuck Buddies
A sex partner with whom occasionally has sex with without emotional attachment.

Well I pretty much hit the nail on the head, and also come to find when Google-ing The term, the first 3 websites are for finding one "in a town near you." Wow. Sounds more like and advertisement for a band or circus coming into town. I was even more pleased to find how accommodating they were to homosexuals as well. It's nice to see we a breaking through the barriers of prejudice.

So the whole topic got me questioning it. Is this some form of a dysfunctional relationship, or the workings of an ingenious friendship? What are the fuck buddy rules? If there is a death in the family, would you invite them to the funeral? They helped you through some hard times? And I don't mind calling people my fuck buddies, but when I think of myself referred to as it I cringe. And what is the difference between fuck buddies and friends with benefits? Conversation?

So I have made it my goal for the day to report on my findings and post back ASAP!



Bradley James

Just as Promised, Blackie O and the Alien...

The frail alien looking creature claiming to be of my blood embraced me. The smell of death crept into my nostrils as I tried not to gag. As advertised she was disoriented, angry, and scared. Everything was foreign to her, as if seeing it for the first time. An alien, that's what she was. An alien creature who was foreign to me. Blue hair, and a waddle that shook violently every time she uttered a meek sound. The alien was here to stay.

**

The Democratic National Convention started yesterday with a speech by Michelle Obama. Of course the day wasn't without a tift with Hill Bill. This is Obama's convention, no doubt. But my delegates would want me to walk out behind... Blah Blah Blah. Thunder Cunt just wanted to proceed before Biden. I'd have loved to have seen her enter instead on a giant dog sled, whip in hand, pulled by Bill and Chelsea. Then maybe the Ice Queen would have gotten the vote. Or maybe it was Opera's endorsment. Why so serious?

I missed the entire Michelle speech, but I'm sure it was beautiful. Now that my friends is what a first lady should look like. Dare I call her the black Jackie O. Blackie O, anyone?

I'm just so confused with people's politics nowadays. No one wanted Douchey McGee to win the Democratic vote because of her politics, they wanted her to win because she has a vag of steel. I don't think most of he people voting for Obama are voting for him because he is black(Though if he tried running Republican I'd doubt he'd make it this far)., they are voting for him because he is what America wants. He's what we need.

Well it's time to go, but before I do, What are you're feelings on Barack Obama as President? What about McCain? What would you do? What Would Jesus do, hunt vampires? And what about Blackie O?

Favorite me, pass me along, and comment please.

Bradley James

Goals(30 Day Project, Quote of the Week, and Playlist of the Month)...

I've been tossing around the idea to do a 30 days project where I let my friends set me up as well as date on my own, since my dating life has been all but lively. My plan is to explore every aspect of meeting a potential partner; blind dates, online, clubs, GLBT activities in the community, whatever. The final goal of the project will not be finding a soulmate per say, but to reveal the truths and myths of gay dating in a straight persons world. I'll blog about the experience and get feedback from you all, but in order to do it you need to tell EVERYONE to visit my site. It's no fun if 5 people see my journey. So help me get together ideas and as many hits as possible.


Also I'd like to do a funny quote for every week. My friends and I are all pretty witty and I think we can bring a smile to your face, or at least make a sailor blush. Thoughts for this week...
Me - Let's get drunk and take vitamins.
Me - (To Ashley in regards to my sexcapades) If i went down on you now, you'd end up pregnant.

And finally I'd like to let some of you in on some up and coming musicians and maybe some old favorites. Generally I try to make them match my mood and the time of year.

So if anyone has anymore ideas for me please let me know. And don't forget to check up on my blog, comment, and pass on the love.

Bradley James

Exponential Decay and My New Obsession...

Today my mother and I are going to pick up my Aunt Carol and my grandmother. I'm indifferent on my feelings about seeing my Grandma.

The last time I saw my Grandma she was lively and vivacious, and now if rumors hold true she is anything but. A walking shell of the woman that used to play rummy and taught me how to make jam from the blackberries we picked in the yard. Now to learn she has lost her will to live, will death soon follow, or will it torture her first?

Personally I think I'm light years ahead of her. I'd want to die long before I turn 87. To loose control of your mind, and slowly watch yourself rot. Smelling the decay of human remains that used to be witty and attractive. I don't care how well you age, cancer and dementia don't look good on anyone.

***

On a lighter note, I need to drool over my new obsession... Podiobooks.com Anyone that knows me well has seen my infatuation with podcasts has grown increasingly quick. Now I'm practically a borderline psycho. So Podiobooks are in fact free audiobooks on Itunes. Most are read by the author which I think gives it a clearer vision of where it was coming from. I'm so enthralled that I've got a few friends hooked already.

Fritas, my history buff, is now addicted to "Great Moments in History." Actual reenactments of great wars through the eyes of the figures who saw them, sound effects included. Rach was harder to please so I introduced her to "the Immortals," the future story of the 2020 American internment camps to prevent a widespread virus.

They also have plenty of others from some of your childhood favorites, to mystery and comedy.
Just a little something for everyone.

***

If you enjoyed this at all please comment, favorite me, and pass me on to someone else(like the neighborhood bike, everyone's rode once).

Until next time,
Bradley James

The Epic Tale of Johnny Angel and BuRad...

So on a scale of one to ten, I had a fucking blast with Johnny Angel.

I finished work at about ten and picked him up from the wedding, whereupon I decided I needed a drink. We went to the bar and caught up, then swung through Work to introduce him and dip. Not soon after I found him lying on the ground in the private dining room with Fritas. Another breakdown? We bid our farewells and continued to our next destination on our adventure.

We arrived at the hotel, and after a few locked doors ended up in room 410. We walked in to see an obviously Jewish gentleman in the face of a short man, with a raspy voice. A few obscenities were thrown around before shooters were poured in proclamation of their yet again friendship. Kip, the short one, introduced himself and Johnny shook hands with the Jew. I came to find out the Jew's name was Jake. Jessica, Jake's 3rd girlfriend of the week, who I later met came out of the bathroom obviously high on something. Jake passed out and Kip's nose began to bleed.

Twenty minutes pass while we all shoot the shit when Johnny Angel(JA) handed me his phone. On the other side of the line was a familiar voice asking for directions. I couldn't place it. As soon as I hung up JA reminded me of how I knew the voice. Crazy Cindy. Almost-bit-off-JA's-nipple Crazy Cindy. She arrived in a whirl as always, and filled us in on her past. Her lapse in carpet munching, getting knocked up, and falling into a loveless marriage. Need I remind you this is not mother material, this is Dina Lohan/Britney Spears mother material. We danced and drank to the wee hours of the morning, until we couldn't take anymore. We dissipated as quickly as we arrived.

I awoke this morning to a very naked JA. If we can pee with the door open, being naked is no issue. We went to The Biscuit for brunch and judged people. He introduced me to new music(Janelle Monae!!) and I taught him the definition of DUFF(Designated Ugly Fat Friend). We went DILF spotting before finally parting ways again.

Until next time.

Bradley James

In the beginning...

So seeing this is my first blog on here I'd like to first say hello to anyone reading this.

So I can't wait to see Johnny Angel. We met at college, bonded over our love for David Bowie movies and mutual passion for judging people. Last time we went to the Flaming Lips concert with a few of my coworkers. We ended up meeting some friends from the bar by work. Because I got them in quicker they paid for drinks all night. I'll just let you judge how wasted we were...

So now obviously you can understand how excited I am to reunite with one of my favorite people ever. I will post again after the night plays out.

Bradley James